"Let go or be dragged"

I can't recall when I started hating myself, wishing I was anyone but me.

I can't remember the first time I drank or used a drug- but I knew I found something.

I'm not sure when I started eating for comfort- but I knew I found something.

I don't know when I started seeking refuge in other people- but I knew I found something.

Something that altered how I was feeling, so I didn't have to feel it.

A place where I didn't have to be me.

A place where I belonged.

A place where I didn't have to feel into the present moment.

Seeking.

For as long as I can remember, I was trying to escape.

My memories are scattered and broken.

As a child, maybe 10 or 11, I started escaping to a fallen tree over a slow trickling brook in the woods.

Seeking.

As a teenager, I was a runaway.

I escaped to friends houses, I escaped by using drugs and alcohol.

Seeking.

As an adult, I escaped by using anything- drugs, alcohol, food, people, work...

Seeking.

I was swallowed whole by the emotionally imbalanced place I lived in.

I know now I never truly felt safe.

My actions as a child were just that- actions and behaviors of a child who didn't feel safe.

Constant turmoil sprinkled with inconsistency, control, blame, shame and disconnect- the perfect soil to grow an addict.

I craved a space where I felt calm, accepted, warm, but subconsciously, once I had this, it didn't feel right.

I would do anything to sabotage my environment, to create the turmoil that felt normal to me. To create a spiral.

Seeking.

Broken home smothered in pain and deceit, abusive relationships, broken friendships.

Seeking.

Seeking led me into danger more times then I can remember.

Seeking.

I drank and drove, with no regard for my own life, no regard for the lives of the people I loved, or for the lives of the strangers around me.

Seeking.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was sure this was it.

The void will be filled, I will finally be able to stop seeking.

I was wrong.

Post-Partum depression consumed me.

It was one of darkest times I've ever experienced.

I was suffocating.

There was a song that described my emotions better than I understood them, "All We Got" by Dem Atlas with lyrics that held me..."it never once occurred to me I'd be staring out the window at a world that doesn't see me and my skin can't feel the wind blow..."

Numb and Seeking, again.

It took me almost two years to recover from PPD, and then I was pregnant again and terrified.

It wasn't the same.

I wasn't the same.

Still, I was seeking.

Making the same choices for 10+ years, constantly wondering....

WHY does this keep happening?

WHY can't I stop?

WHY do I always feel like shit?

"Let go or be dragged"

It was 4 years ago that I woke up.

It was 4 years ago I realized I was a passenger, praying and hoping to be driven to the right place.

It was 4 years ago I realized if I wanted to feel better, I had to take control.

It was slow.

I took control.

It was the smallest adjustments.

I took control.

It started with making different food choices.

I took control.

Exercising.

I took control.

Breathing.

I took control.

Trying new things.

I took control.

Yoga.

I took control.

"Let go or be dragged"

It was 3 years ago that I woke up.

It was 3 years ago I realized if I wanted to feel better, I had to start seeking something within myself.

Daily journaling.

I met myself.

Daily self-inquiry.

I met myself.

Daily Yoga.

I met myself.

Daily Meditation.

I met myself.

Having new experiences.

I met myself.

"Let go or be dragged"

It was 2 years ago that I woke up.

It was 2 years ago I realized if I wanted to feel better, I had to let go.

I was holding on so tightly to my old experiences, afraid that they defined me.

I had to let go.

I was relying on the band-aids that were covering my bleeding wounds.

I had to let go.

I was clenching onto my stories, using them as crutches.

I had to let go.

"Let go or be dragged"

It was 2 years ago I decided to start letting go so that I would no longer be dragged.

It was 2 years ago I started being the driver and not the passenger.

It was 2 years ago I got sober.

Seeking.

I'm still a seeker.

But it's not the same.

I'm not the same.

With love,

Stephanie